September 23, 2005
I'll do the entry before bed...
September 22, 2005
Criminy, there is a reason this is so hard!  There are about 12 things in the world that I can eat
that are good for me.   By the time you take out things I'm allergic to, have a reaction to, affect
my blood sugar...phooey - I should technically only be licking cardboard.  

I did OK today, not great.  I ate nuts and avoided sugar...but I had microwave popcorn.  Chock full
of calories, fat and starch.  Its still better for me than lots of other things...but not so much good
for losing weight.  Rats.  
September 21, 2005
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...

Well, as you can see...the diet game plan officially went on hold a few months ago.  Anyone who
regularly receives our email, or watches this website, knows that
everything went on hold a few
months ago.  If you're new to this game, please look in the Avalon's story section, page 57, the full
explanation is there.  

The short version of my hiatus from writing and dieting, is that I finally had the freak out period
about my daughter having cancer.  Yes, 10 months seems like a rather long time for it to take to
catch up to me...but that's the truth.  I spent the summer joyously revelling in fun of being a
mommy, not the bleck of being a cancer mommy.  It was my reaction to the stress - I decided to
quit describing, sharing, reflecting - and live every minute with her, in case my minutes are
limited.  

Unfortunately, I also quit worrying about my health - and restarted my habit of eating my stress
away.  I not only gained back all of the weight I had lost...I added to it.  Not only did that make me
feel worse about myself...it made me
feel worse, physically.  I've thought about re-starting the
diet 1000 times since June, especially since I made the commitment to all of you.  Frankly, my life
stress out-distanced my commitment stress - and I got fatter.  Ultimately - I think that's the
reason why cancer moms gain so much weight.  Under the "weight" of our daily lives, we lose any
interest in ourselves, and we lose our worry about what other people think about us.  In a
heartbeat, we have all learned what really matters in life, and looking good for people just doesn't
fit in there.

Regardless of my ability to verbalize or understand why I've gained weight again, the fact is, it
HAS to come off.  As I've spent the last few days contemplating the changes in my life over the
past year, I realized I'm ready to tackle the beast again.  No more waiting until the first of the
month, the first of the week, the week after so-and-so party...  The time is now, its my birthday
present to myself.  I want to see just how far I can go by my next birthday.  Its a reasonably easy
timeframe to keep!

As of today, my weight is back down to where it was when I began this journey way back in June,
262 pounds.  I have reset the counters at the bottom of the page to zero.  As I begin with baby
steps again, I will change the counters to show you my progress.  With your help and
encouragement, I hope to not only walk the long mile - I hope to raise awareness of pediatric
cancer - and help bring hope to families everywhere.    
June 10, 2005
There's a lot to be said for the whole pay-attention-to-your-body thing.  As of this morning, I've
lost 8 pounds!  I'm drinking like a fish, so I don't think its just water weight.  I've entirely sworn
off the bread, pasta, and sugar that I was told to get rid of years ago.  It would appear that the
doctor was right...go figure.  

Actually, the other reason I don't think the loss is just water weight - is because of the advice
years ago.  When I (
briefly) ate like a carnivorous rabbit back then - I did lose an amazing amount
of weight very quickly.  The problem is, bread beckoned.  The cravings won - and my tuckus lost.  
(or rather,
gained - as the case may be)

This time, I hope to kill those cravings for good.  I'm trying to retrain my thinking.  Yes, it stinks
that my body can't process wheat or yeast or potatoes.  Yes, I love ice cream as much as the next
kid, and yes, I think its a Summer time right of life to go to Dairy Queen..  The thing is, if  I
continue to indulge in those things - I'm going to do irreparable harm to myself.  I'll make myself
sick enough that I need hospitalization.  

Cancer kids are sick because of random acts of the universe.  They fight because they have no
choice - it was thrust upon them.  How dare I be so selfish as to make myself sick?  They cannot
avoid their fate - I can.  Every time I think about "cheating" that's what I'm telling myself.  Its
my
choice to stay well...and I should thank the universe hourly for that privilege.  My daughter
wasn't given the same choice.  As a Mom, as a human - I have no right to squander my blessing
June 9, 2005
What a shock!  If I eat only what I'm supposed to...I lose weight.  Go figure.

OK,  little bit of truth telling necessary here...I was sick as a dog yesterday.  I started the day by
throwing up,and ended it with a fever and chills.  I could have basically cared less about food.  Now,
if I can manage to stay sick for the next 4-6 weeks...I might just survive the sugar/bread
cravings.  Either that, or the kids have to eat fish 3 meals a day.  Nick made fish sticks while I
was gone last night, and the smell nearly killed me when I came home.  

Hey - fish is healthy.  Don't knock it!
June 8, 2005
Good news is...I didn't die of mortal embarrassment yesterday.  I thought it was possible...but I
muscled through.  

Bad news is, I wasn't the perfect dieter either.  Gee, you don't think that the 40 "cancer" pounds
were due to stress do you?  So let's see...if I tend to eat when I'm stressed...hmmm,, what do you
think yesterday was like?  Shockingly...I didn't do what I normally would have.  But I did have a
piece of Ambrosia's left over birthday cake...Rats!  OK, stress lesson learned - move on..

The biggest hurdle for me will be the next few weeks.  An enormous portion of my weight is
attributable to food allergies that went undiagnosed for years.  However, even once I learned
about them and how much better I feel when I eat "properly", it still hasn't been easy to tow the
line.  I've been hypoglycemic since Jr. High - things like cake, ice cream, etc - should have been
written off years ago.  You get the prize if you guess whether they were or not....  Even worse than
the sugar thing, I'm allergic to peanuts, yeast, and wheat.  The allergy completely destroy my
metabolism, not to mention what it does to the rest of me!  Add in the rest of my
sensitivities...and I feel like I'm reduced to licking cardboard...

The reality is, there are tons of healthy foods I can eat...once I get past the mind-numbing
cravings.  Be prepared...you'll get to "listen" to my whining about those for the next several weeks!
 Ahhhh, the joys of getting healthy.  Again though, I have to remind all of us of how puny my
complaints are compared to children with cancer.  Avalon has had 9 months of constant
chemotherapy, more than a dozen spinal taps and spinal chemo, 2 operations (going for her third on
Monday), and nearly 6 weeks total of hospital time.  My bagel cravings are pretty ridiculous in light
of all of that.
June 7, 2005
Well, I've gone and done it!  The exact size of my giant rear is now officially "out there".  I may as
well be standing naked at Broad and High.  (that is a real local intersection...but I prefer to think
of it as I'm Broad and I must be High to consider doing this...)

I suppose the weight gain and the willingness to publicly fight it, both come from the same dark
place...helplessness.  When your child has cancer, you watch them go through Hell...and you are
utterly helpless to make it better.  I haven't dealt particularly well with that.  I've swallowed my
pain in the form of empty calories...and I've harmed myself ,and the rest of my family in the
process.  Avalon and her sisters deserve a healthy mom - not a miserable one.  They deserve to be
the center of attention, not my own physical frailty.  The time has come to STOP this part of my
nightmare... and I may as well try to help others in the process.

I'll do my best to be as disgustingly, ridiculously honest about this struggle...as I have been about
life with Avalon.  If you'll follow me, maybe we'll discover a new life together..
.
Diary of a Fat Lady Gone Thin!
Daily Diary:
Current
Weight: 262
Weight Lost:
0
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